Say hello to vulnerability..HELLO!

Vulnerability and love are like two childhood friends who need to hold hands in order not to get lost in this world full of hypocrisy and fake masks. So I sit here and wonder..if I love my friends and my enemies like Jesus does..then doesn't that mean I need to share vulnerably with you guys about who I REALLY am? Not the sugar coated image of Stephanie Yu. I guess the answer is yes.

So here goes...

I went to the gym today. This may not sound extraordinary to someone who doesn't know that I had an eating disorder years ago. This statement wouldn't sound interesting if you didn't realize that I battled my biggest demons in this highly air conditioned building with so many mirrors you would expect to see your reflection on the ceiling.

So. I repeat. I went to the gym today. I had to check myself to make sure that I was there for the right reasons. I prayed about it, went back in forth with myself and God. And I have come to the conclusion that "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)" With that being said...I still don't know where my heart is. All I know is that this freshman fifteen is getting old, fast.

Moving on. I made my way into the quiet, dark stretching room. I thanked God that no one was in there to cramp my style. Let me explain the stretching room..this is where you stretch in positions that you would never dare to stretch in the middle of a crowded hot smelly gym.

A girl walks in, around my age, young and beautiful. She starts to do ballet turns. She looks so graceful and passionate about ballet. Jealous? Nah...maybe a little? haha. I felt like a creepy man as I admired her turns. There was so much drama in her determination to get those spinny turny thingys right. It was like watching reality T.V, minus all the b.s.

I am quietly listening to my Christian music. Feeling safe in my little bubble I so often create. I am soaking in God's love like a selfish little infant. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.
maybe not.

Of course...I hear God say "talk to her". I hold off for as long as possible. Finally, as she packs up to leave, I take off my protective head phones and say "you are a great dancer." She humbly thanks me and says she still needs a lot of work. She walked away looking a lot less intimidating. I imagined her in a class full of thin ballerinas looking harshly at their reflection, judging every inch of fat on their body.

I hope she is stronger than I was. I hope we are both in the dark room for the right reasons. Because it would be a crying shame if we ever forget that God loves us....every single inch of us. Hey you..you reading this...don't forget that either okay?


Psalm 139 -God's declaration of His love for us.

"For you created my inmost being
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you. "
Verse 13-18