Holidays

Early in my life, Holidays were a time of joy and celebration, but my family has gone through many valleys in the past few years. This year has marked the first year in a long time where I have not been afraid of Holidays. I know I can count on my family to gather together. I have accepted that my family may not look like other families that I use to envy. We are far from perfect, each quirky, each with their own issues, but nevertheless we have never given up on our family. Finally, at 21 I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that life is imperfect and I can't wait until it is perfect to enjoy it.

This Christmas has been a time of love and joy. I don't pretend that things are perfect, yet I can remain content in the brokenness because I know there is hope and I know that we have come so far from where we once were. Things get better when you aren't afraid to face reality.



I saw Revolutionary Road tonight. It is a sad sad movie about a failing marriage set in the 50's starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. I have been so scared to watch this movie because I was afraid that I would not be able to handle any pain that felt familiar in my own life. But lately I have been feeling strong even in my weakness. So I decided to finally watch it. The movie magnifies the feeling of discontent and "hopeless emptiness" that we so often face in our lives when we forget that we ARE loved and cared for by Someone so much bigger than our depression. This couple was so obsessed with running away from the emptiness which they blamed on suburban life and on one another. Their cure for the pain is to run away to Paris and live a adventurous life rather than a monotonous surburban lifestyle. They fail to realize that whatever they are running away from is already inside. No matter where they run, the emptiness will follow.

This painful movie made me remember that I no longer want to live a life that puts hope in "running" away from pain. Life without a connection with Jesus is HARD. I am not saying this to sound religious or narrow. I am just speaking from personal experience. Every gift of relational healing I have received throughout my life always points back to Him and that beautiful scandalous night when He died so that I could live a free life. I don't fully understand the depths of Christmas or Easter. I will not claim that I understand or know Him fully until I meet him face to face.

Then I will ask Him why he claimed that

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:1-4)"

It is true that in order to experience and understand true joy you have to experience true sorrow.

But my question is, why does it have to be so hard sometimes???

I don't know. All I know is that He is so much bigger than whatever I am and will face in my life.