She said..."it's like there is a piece of glass between you and the world"
This comment stings like a papercut, but the words on the paper are no less true..It makes me wonder if you just look at me like a doll in her plastic box?
Am I nice to look at, but impossible to reach?
Do you see porcelein, rather than flesh?
This scares me.
But I suppose I have to take everything with a grain of salt.
Only I know me.
What is true is up to me to decide.
If I discover a huge block of emptiness between us...then I will break it..
so you can see...
I am flesh. I am skin and bone.
I am all heart.
I am not stone.
It never really matched up.
My view of me. Your view of me.
To me I am a star trailing off in the distance...
merely passing through the sky
It looks like I am connected to the big clusters of stars that make up galaxies..but I am merely passing through.
It is beautiful, yet unsettling.
This image of me alone in a sky painted black.
But the world see's me in a different light.
It sees me engaged, a butterfly moving from one group to the next.
But where is my root?
Where are my life long friends?
The one's I've had, have all exceeded their expiration date.
Season's change, but for once, I would like my friends to survive the winter frost.
Thoughts like this can really bring me down.
But the antidote for sadness is hope.
Hope that I can be transformed, not in the twinkling of an eye,
but with time, with suffering, with breakthroughs, with monotonous minutes which make up the inbetween times
I am growing and maturing
These walls will be broken down. The hauntings of my past will cease. I will be free. I am free. You have set me free.
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6 comments:
Stephanie,
These are all beautiful and touching. Each deserves it's on post - and it's own comment.
In "A piece of glass." who is "she?"
I can read this several ways, each of which is powerful.
If "she" is a friend of yours, then I see the struggle
to connect with people - a realization that you also feel like their is a piece of glass between you and the world, but you were pretending it wasn't there until you friend brought it up. Who ask the question if your impossible to reach, but the real fear is that no one will try. That you will always be alone in your glass box.
The girl could be you. After looking at yourself in the mirror you wrote, "it's like there is a piece of glass between you and the world." There is a realization that you are beautiful, but your standing alone. You wonder if other see you as you now see yourself. You picture yourself as someone that others would want to reach out to, and you wonder why no one has. Is it that you've but up a piece of glass to keep them out? Will anyone ever love you enough to break the glass.
The girl could be the world view, looking at you. You are a woman with feelings and a loving heart, but the world sees you as a doll. The comment it's like there is a piece of glass between you and the world," is followed by, "as it should be." You spend time trying to make your outside more beautiful. You play with your hair, you put on makeup, you pick out just the right cloths. All so you can stand in a box and have the world look at you as if you were a doll. You feel like the world sees you as am object and your fighting with all of the other women. But what you really want is to have the world see the beauty that is inside of you - to have the embrace of a true friend instead of the approval of the world.
I don't know if any of these interpretations match what you thought as you wrote this, but let me just say this. You are a beautiful young woman. And while your appearance may be pleasant, it is the inner beauty, that I've seen in your writings, that is the true joy. Your soul reflects the beauty of your Father and shines far brighter that you body's appearance.
This scares me...
The realization hits home, but you keep you head. How much of what you see is real. Does it really mater what the world thinks? Only if it keeps people from really connecting with you.
And so you take responsibility for what the world sees - for what you see - in you. If there is a wall or a void, you will work to remove it so that people can see the real Stephanie - your skin and bones, but also you heart. You will share your emotions with others, you will risk being real.
It never really matched up...
It is an interesting picture. You feel alone, but everyone else things you belong to another group. Friendship is one of the things I have struggled with my whole life. It is easy to be "friends" with someone in a class or who you work with, but the friendships come and go as classes and jobs change.
How do you make a friend for life? One way of course is to marry one. But what about others. It seems harder and harder to build and maintain friendships. I can imagine a hundred years ago, when you lived your whole life in the same house. You you build friendships with your neighbors - raise you kids together - see them go off on their own - then garden and talk and play card games - finally helping each other as you grow old.
Now days life is so busy. There is no time to just spend with friends. But it is important to have friends. You need friends to share your joys and hold you in your despair. That's one of the things I found out when I lost my son. I didn't have any friends to go to. I struggle with it still, two years later. I have gotten closer to a few people, but I still don't have friends I can share my sorrows.
As I read the line, "Where are my life long friends?" I thought of a song that I really enjoyed when I was in collage. Friends are friends forever, by Michael W. Smith. I think it is true, my dearest and truest friends are the ones that share my love for Jesus.
The one thing I've learned about friends is that they take work. I know that I've said it before, love is a decision and a commitment. If you want to build life long friendships, you have decided to cherish those friendships and make a commitment to them. Friends choose to grow apart or to find new common ground to share.
God is good, and if you seek after him, he will provide others for you to fellowship with, to love, to share your life with.
Thoughts like this...
I like your thought that the antidote for sadness is hope. One of my is that praise replaces sadness, however, I've found that sometimes when I am sing praises songs that my heart is opened and in that moment my sadness comes flowing out.
It is a strange experiencing to be feeling joy in in my heart, to have tears streaming down my face, and to have my throat tightening up as I sing about how great my God is.
But your right, it is the hope of transformation, the hope that God is actually doing something in my life, that causes the sadness to leave. Despite the time, the suffering, and because of the little breakthroughs, it is going through this process that give purpose to my life.
I like to think of God giving me wings like an eagle so I can fly over the walls, that he will lift me above the concerns of this world and set me free. But I know that in truth he will give me the strength to struggle through the mud I'm stuck in.
Stephanie,
Don't stop looking at yourself. Even if sometimes you don't like what you see, or it makes you sad or uncomfortable. You are at the time in your life where you need to really know who you are and where God is leading you. This time next year you will have picked a road to start walking down, and once picked it is hard to change.
Don't stop reaching out to people. Even if it seems all your friends keep leaving you. It is in our friendships that God ministers to us. It is in our relationships that God ministers through us.
Put in the effort to nourish your friendships. Find ways to meet real needs in your friends. Share with your friends how they can meet real needs in you. By meeting each other's needs, friendships become more than just good times with others, they become precious times that will remain in our heart forever. Meeting needs breaks down that walls between us; it gets us into each other's lives.
Don't stop searching your heart.
Don't stop praying for God to break your heart for what breaks his.
Don't stop caring for the world.
Don't loose the passion of youth.
Don't let you faith fade.
Don't let go of your hope.
And more than anything else...
Don't forget that you are loved.
So long. It's been nice knowing you. I hope your life is blessed.
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